| | Playing: Rage Against The Machine - Take The Power Back, Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name, Rage Against The Machine - War Within A Breath
Update: I've lost old friends, made new one's, found old one's, lost friends that I thought I had made....all in all it speaks to my awkward social life. The only "friends" that I legitimately have are probably the people that I see every day at work. And even then I wouldn't really call them friends, though I would certainly have a beer and sit and talk with any of them and maybe even hustle them for a game or two of pool. To be honest the best description of what my co-workers are is this: the awkward family that you don't necessarily want to be around but kind of have to and you make the best of it.
Reconnecting with old friends that you haven't talked to in years is a bit awkward in and of itself. In a way it makes you regress to that time of your life. For me in this instance that time is high school. And if you've read any of this blog dating back a few years you know what a joyful time of my life that was. Yet, at the same time it makes me reflect on how far I've come in my own life through circumstances life has given me and the choices I've made in coping with those circumstances. It also gives me a chance to see how others have handled similar circumstances and to see what life has given to others. I also have the opportunity to sit back and laugh at the way that it seems that everyone regresses when they reconnect with people from their past.
I guess I'm just nostalgic for the things in my past. It seems looking back that I had more control over myself at that point in my life. I think that's because I've complicated things for myself and while I'm sure that not all of my choices have been bad, I do recognize a few poor decisions and I do resent myself for those decisions. I also feel burdened. I think that I may be dwelling on these choices and fantasizing about living in an alternate choice rather than seeing the road ahead of me and being proactive towards it. Instead I'm being chronically reactive and letting life happen to me. I complain that I'm not where or who I want to be and I'm becoming more and more convinced that this is my own fault. Still it seems that every step I take in a positive direction something forces me three steps backward and that pisses me off to no end. Which is why I think I've reached the point of giving up.
This is where I am.
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| | Posted 7/29/2008 10:55 PM - 29 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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