BrokenPiecesOfLife's Xanga

Monday, October 26, 2009

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:01:44 GMT

Playing: Mazzy Star - Fade Into You

Update: I am horrible at keeping up with this thing. I keep thinking that if I were motivated I would start a real blog. And if I had a real blog I would actually keep up with it. But I think that since I failed the test of keeping this one up that I don't deserve a real blog.

Anywho, things to update about. I feel like I spin my wheels and get nothing accomplished. I did finally get my curtains hung up this weekend. I only procrastinated about it for 3 months. So victory dance for me. WooHoo.

My job doesn't take that much out of me, but at the same time it feels like it does. It doesn't make much sense. I like what I do, I at least don't hate what I do. And I just got one promotion and I will probably be getting another one come January. Its something. I also want to move. Part of me wants to go back to Michigan and be near the friends that I left there. The only ones who I manage to still talk to. I love this city here, but I just don't have anything going on other than work. And if I try hard enough I can get a job doing just about anything anywhere. It might not be the greatest job ever but its better than nothing. Then there is the part of me that still desperately hates Michigan and never ever ever ever ever ever want to live there again and feels that 4 hours away is a comfortable distance. I think I'm ready for something new. I still want to be within 2 hours of a major metropolitan area. But I also want a decent lawn to mow and a space for a garden, and I wouldn't mind a dog or two or more. As long as they don't eat my baby kitties, not that Rubius would stand for being eaten. I think I like the idea of Wyoming. Its less than two hours from Denver, which is a bad-ass city. And Cheyenne is a decent enough city where I wouldn't feel like a hick like living back in St. Johns again. True, there is snow, which I desperately still hate. Hell, I live in Indy right now and the snow is about 10% of what it is in Michigan and I still hate it. But I think I can learn to deal. I mean, its Mountain-Snow...that's different right?

I also don't know what kind of dream career I could possibly want. I don't have any lofty goals. I used to but those have faded along with the faith that I used to have. It seems that my passion, and my faith and my convictions and my motivation and my social righteousness were all intermingled and then they kind of all died a horrible horrible death all at once. They have yet to pull a Lazarus on me here so I don't much know what's going on with that.

Lately I've been feeling strangely family oriented. Like I am looking for more than what I have and I'm not finding it and it is depressing to me. I feel incomplete in the situation that I'm in now. I've thought of different ways to remedy this. But nothing seems logical, feasible or what I really want in the end of things.

As of three weeks ago, I have begun work on a new piece of writing, completely different from anything that I've tried to do before. The collection of essays and theological thoughts is still there. But its a bit difficult to write a piece like that when you don't believe in what you are talking about. Even if you know the ideas and understand the teaching, you can't put any fire into it without passion on the subject. So I'm moving away from that for a while. I'm working on what should become a novel sometime in the next year or so. So far I'm pretty impressed with myself for having not attempted actual fiction short of a few short stories before. Perhaps I will post some snippets here and there. Yeah, I think that sounds like a good idea. We'll see if it actually happens. Probably not. But I'll pretend to try. I promise that much.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 19:59:04 GMT

Update:

Ok, not too much of an update today....but I have decided that everyone needs to read this article. If only because it is incredibly funny.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1917728,00.html

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:22:14 GMT

Playing: Rev Theory - Broken Bones; Rev Theory - You're The One

Update: I'm still working on my essay collection. I haven't had much progress made on it in a long ass time though...

I wrote a new one though. With a bit of editing I will post it for your reading pleasure.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:21:27 GMT

Playing: Bruce Springsteen - The Darkness On The Edge Of Town

Update: http://www.indystar.com/article/20090706/LOCAL/907060354/1001/ARCHIVE/Heroin+takes+hold+again+--+with+younger+abusers

This is a truly sad story. As someone who willingly became involved with, abused, became addicted to, and eventually overcame (and still fight with craving and desire on some level) heroin abuse I am truly heartbroken reading that kids are now able to get their hands on it easier than I ever did. Even more so that it is now more readily usable. For so long injection was the method of use, but now putting into form to smoke, take as a pill or even snort just gives people an even better way to destroy themselves.

I do still fight with desire. I can have everything going right in my life or nothing and I still want to see myself crumble into dust. I don't know why and I feel that this addiction, which truly is a lifelong addiction both physically and psychologically, feeds into it.

More and more, I think that I am going to use my degrees to work with drug counseling and rehabilitation programs and work hopefully, in schools and work on prevention programs aimed at kids who are on the already dangerous slope of abuse. I really don't even know where I'd start.

But please, read the article, it is important...and if you know anyone involved with, or showing signs of addiction, reach out to them, they need it more than they realize.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thu, 28 May 2009 18:09:29 GMT

Playing: Brave Saint Saturn - Enamel (Unedited Original Mix); Bela Fleck and the Flecktones - Amazing Grace (Instrumental Bass Guitar Solo)

Update:

From Noel via Facebook

http://failuremag.com/index.php/feature/article/the_unlikely_disciple/

I heard about this project a few weeks ago and tagged it as interesting in my head, fully meaning and intending to look into it more and post about it.

Anywho, I think that this interview pretty well speaks for itself. Its always good to encounter someone with a truly open mind.

I hope that more people reach out across what truly is, a culture barrier and attempt to understand the other side. And hopefully, if we're lucky, everyone will start to see everyone else for what they are. Fellow human beings and maybe we can stop demonizing each other and hiding behind legalistic and hypocritical systems while judging each other for either being too sheltered and conservative or for being liberal mosters who are godless and going straight to Hell.

Just my two cents

Friday, May 15, 2009

Fri, 15 May 2009 11:18:15 GMT

Playing: Obadiah Parker - Hey Ya (Acoustic OutKast Cover)

Update:

So, this is a bit late in my posting....I did submit an article to the local paper for the editorial section which either didn't make the cut at the time or just hasn't been posted yet...and I am thinking about trying to be an online reader/contributor to the IndyMetromix Magazine website....wow that's a mouthful.

Anywho....

I've been following the what is apparently news story about the catholic church being in an outrage because the head of the University of Notre Dame invited our President to give the commencement address. Upon this invitation, the head of the cathedral at the university decided that he was going to boycott the event and there has been different levels of protest ever since.

From what I've been able to determine from the newspaper and other online news sources the main issue at hand with why they are against President Obama giving the address is because his political party association supports women's right to choose to have an abortion as well as supporting increased funding to medical stem cell research.

Fine, I see why the catholic church would have a problem with that particular viewpoint. I understand that they think that these are bad things in the name of religion. What I don't understand is why they couldn't accept the honor of having the President Of The United States deliver the commencement address which I could garuntee wouldn't have any slightest HINT of those topics. Of all the places that Mr. Obama could campaign for those hot topic issues, doing it in front of graduating college students and their parents and families is not the best place for it. The President knows it, his staff knows it, the administrators at the school know it (which is why they invited him knowing his viewpoints), and I think that deep down the archbishop at the cathedral knows it too and just really wants to make a scene and cause the media to explode with controversey which is exactly what he has successfully done.

I am incredibly proud of the government administration for not responding to this ridiculous frenzy and am personally looking forward to seeing how it turns out on Sunday.

I did have more to say on this topic and if my article gets published, I will post the whole thing, however, I am pressed for time at the moment and need to get going.

Good day.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 17:47:59 GMT

Playing: Metallica - Tuesday's Gone (Lynard Skynard Cover); Pearl Jam - Love Reign O'er Me (The Who Cover)

Update: I have not updated this thing in a truly long time, I haven't even really written anything in a truly long time. I kinda miss that, and I plan to get back into it. Consider it a New Year's Resolution of sorts.

I've been wrestling with my faith lately. For a long time I had completely fallen away from it. It wasn't until seeing how much that the lack of it affected those that I am close to did I even consider looking back. This was because frankly, things were going OK. I had some problems with relationships, but then again I had those same problems even when I had my faith completely intact. Or at least as intact as its ever been. Then things actually started to get better, things were going pretty good. Relationships started to improve, and I even started to form new ones. I was feeling happy. And I mean actually FEELING happy. Not the sort of numb, non-emotional, I should be happy so I'll look happy kind of thing that usually occurs with me and my emotionally fucked up self.

Anywho, I saw from a few examples, mainly two really close friends that my lack of faith was hurting them, and saw how much I had truly impacted them through who I was and through my convictions and insights that came from within that faith. That hurt. Broke my heart to see that I did that to those that I love. The second breaking point was when I looked around at the suffering within this world and it no longer made me feel sick to my stomach. The compassion that drove me before and the empathy of the suffering of those around me was gone. I had become numb to the human condition of simply existing. In my state of "happiness" I had simply become content. I didn't seek anything, I wasn't reaching toward anything. I was stuck, and realizing that drove me nuts. I felt trapped, worthless and disappointed that I could have ever let myself get there.

So, I started to look back at what changed, what happened to cause me to turn away in the first place. The strange thing is that it wasn't so much a conscious choice to turn away from faith, it just kind of happened because I stopped placing a high priority on it. It became secondary. Less than secondary, almost tertiary or lower in the priority list. Then, after pushing it onto the back burner, I just let other things in life dominate my focus, and I stopped reading the theology books, other Christian or religious writing, stopped going to church, stopped praying and eventually stopped thinking about God in general. Sometime in there, I did think about God and decided that if I was doing so much better now without Him than I was with Him then there really wasn't a point in it at all and I chose to turn away. I became literally faithless....didn't believe in anything but didn't really believe in nothing either. I think it was this choice that really hurt those around me. And still at this point in time I hadn't noticed. I'm sure that if I had paid the slightest bit of attention I would have.

Recently I've had some things happen both due to choices that I've made and unforeseen circumstances that have disrupted my life in a fairly substantial way, and while its not the end of the world. It jolted me. So I turned to those that I love for support. In talking with them, I learned just how much has changed within myself.

So, now I want to go back, I'm not entirely sure how to go about doing that however. I seem to have forgotten so much.

Thinking now about possible reasons why I "felt" so much better when I wasn't interacting with my faith on a regular basis was probably because I didn't have the crippling guilt that has always plagued me. Guilt over my own inadequacies. Guilt over the pain and suffering in this world and how I could do so much more to help. Guilt over choices that I've made knowing them to be wrong and doing them anyway.The guilt made me feel miserable. But it also pushed me to do better, to do more. It pushed me to improve myself. To try to improve the world around me. And while doing this I realize that I in turn pushed others to do better themselves. I don't want to come back to faith only to be burned again by people who are a better reflection of American Elitism than of Christ's humility. I don't want to come back to have a feel good experience and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I want to come back to faith to be challenged by others in Christ who want to see me push myself. I want to have someone teach me who knows more than me in theological aspects and who is also willing to be pushed back and continue to grow themselves. Sadly, this is probably asking too much out of our postmodern American watered down Christianity but dammit I'm going to try!

And that's about the best I can do right now. Oh, and start praying again. Gotta work on that more.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 01:55:28 GMT

Playing: Rage Against The Machine - Take The Power Back, Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name, Rage Against The Machine - War Within A Breath

Update: I've lost old friends, made new one's, found old one's, lost friends that I thought I had made....all in all it speaks to my awkward social life. The only "friends" that I legitimately have are probably the people that I see every day at work. And even then I wouldn't really call them friends, though I would certainly have a beer and sit and talk with any of them and maybe even hustle them for a game or two of pool. To be honest the best description of what my co-workers are is this: the awkward family that you don't necessarily want to be around but kind of have to and you make the best of it.

Reconnecting with old friends that you haven't talked to in years is a bit awkward in and of itself. In a way it makes you regress to that time of your life. For me in this instance that time is high school. And if you've read any of this blog dating back a few years you know what a joyful time of my life that was. Yet, at the same time it makes me reflect on how far I've come in my own life through circumstances life has given me and the choices I've made in coping with those circumstances. It also gives me a chance to see how others have handled similar circumstances and to see what life has given to others. I also have the opportunity to sit back and laugh at the way that it seems that everyone regresses when they reconnect with people from their past.

I guess I'm just nostalgic for the things in my past. It seems looking back that I had more control over myself at that point in my life. I think that's because I've complicated things for myself and while I'm sure that not all of my choices have been bad, I do recognize a few poor decisions and I do resent myself for those decisions. I also feel burdened. I think that I may be dwelling on these choices and fantasizing about living in an alternate choice rather than seeing the road ahead of me and being proactive towards it. Instead I'm being chronically reactive and letting life happen to me. I complain that I'm not where or who I want to be and I'm becoming more and more convinced that this is my own fault. Still it seems that every step I take in a positive direction something forces me three steps backward and that pisses me off to no end. Which is why I think I've reached the point of giving up.

This is where I am.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sat, 24 May 2008 21:35:34 GMT

Playing: Saving Abel - Addicted

Update:

I thought that I had something important to vent onto this thing. It appears that I don't. Guess I'll continue to waste space as a human being.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Sat, 03 May 2008 00:22:09 GMT

Reading: IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas by Chuck Klosterman

Update: This is a fantastic book. I'm also trying to remember the song that I recently listened to again that just made me happy that it wandered back into my life, but alas, the title evades me currently.

    Its been far too long without an update. I haven't been doing to much in the way of writing or reading or creating lately. This is actually pretty sad, but I've had much more important things on my plate lately.

    It's been a pretty eventful year. Not all things went smoothly or positively but I think that I am stronger than I was before because of the way that things have turned out. That is to say emotionally, physically, relationally stronger. In other ways I am much weaker that I was before especially in ways that this blog used to reflect. For example, I seem to have lost my creative edge. I haven't had anything inspiring happen lately. Wait, I have had plenty of inspiration but no spark to let loose with anything new or relevant or worthwhile like I used to be able to do over the slightest idea. For what seems like just about a year if not more I have had no will to create. Scratch that again, I have had plenty of will and plenty of inspiration to create but have yet been seemingly unable to do so. I feel forced when I even think about writing a poem and cannot come up with anything that I would deem worthy of calling art. Not that anything that I ever created was art by normal standards but at least it was the best that I could do and now its not even that because its not happening. The few scribbles that I have put down onto paper have been such low quality that when I go back and reread it I feel as though it were something that I had written in elementary school let alone post college education.

    Creativity, or lack thereof aside, I've lost my connection that I used to have with friends. I'm sure I still have them. They occasionally remind me that they are there. That, in addition to the fact that Facebook continually reminds me that I have them and that they are living their lives I've lost the ability to connect with them on a daily basis and a face to face basis since moving to Indianapolis. This is due in part to the fact that when we moved here I was in a position of being a manager at my job and couldn't really "hang out" with the people that were supposed to work FOR me, and now I work about 30 minutes away (one way) from where we live. Regardless, I'm slowly starting to connect with people though its still not people my age that necessarily share my interests but still, its something. I am hoping that this issue will resolve itself through getting plugged in on campus downtown when we can afford for me to go back to school at least 3/4 time to hopefully finish my degree only two years behind where I started. Hopefully, filling my mind with education instead of drivel that is TV and radio and internet mumbojumbo will also help to spark the creativity issue.

    Thirdly, I have lost my faith. I think that between everything that has happened in the past year to year and a half, and the fact that I know more about Christian theology and other world relgions combined with political and social issues to be able to commit blindly to a faith that just doesn't add up. Now don't get me wrong, if I were to believe in anything I'd be right back where I was with the whole Christian Reformed/Emergent thing, as far as theology in the Christian faith goes, that just makes sense. But again, that would be if I could convince myself that first, God were really there and gave a damn about shit down here, secondly, that if God were real, that things transpired the way that scripture says that they do (this point is definitely secondary if not lower on the totem pole as I have done the archeological and historical studies to see the continuity that is the complete scripture texts); thirdly, if I could get over the state of the church, this would be the same hypocrisy that I was raised with in addition to not having a strong Christian environment to even attempt to nourish my dwindling faith in. Mostly because I'm not looking mostly because of my lack of faith. Its a vicious cycle really.

    Forth, in the list of things that I feel I've lost or misplaced, going right in line with the faith issue is my compassion and passion for people in the world around me and the world at large. I used to want to save and change the world. Now I just don't really give a damn. I still want to see changes made but I've lost reason and motivation to do so. I think that some of the things that have happened and experiences that I've gained have left me more cynical and jaded than ever before. I think that its the same emotional experience that I am having with my faith. Just, none of it moves me like it used to. I used to feel Christ working within me and feel it. I used to look at the brokenness in the world, the same kind that surrounds me on a daily basis in this city, in this apartment complex and it used to tear at my heart. Now, I see it and I just accept it. This is unacceptable in my mind but still I cannot seem to conjure the emotion to push me to do anything or even to think or dream about doing anything. I just get caught up in the day to day that I at one point swore that I would never do and I don't care about anything greater than paying for next month's rent and the medical bills that collectors keep calling for and wondering if I'm ever going back to school, and shit like that.

    About a week and a half or so ago now, someone asked me what I wanted out of the life that I have. I honestly couldn't answer because at one point in time I had a dream of where I was going to be, what I was going to be doing and how I would have gotten there and where I am now is so very far removed from that life that I feel almost disoriented in the life that I have now. I feel sometimes like I am clinging to a life that never even had a chance to be lived and I think that on some level I am regretting that it was never lived mourning its abortion if you will while at the same time trying to get through this life and reclaim the life that I had at one point while still trying to make sense of where I currently am. I don't really think that its a healthy state of mind or healthy state of emotion, or lack of emotion rather. I think that currently all that I really understand is that I am where I am. I need to figure out first, where that is, and then what I want to do with it. And I'm not alone in that life, that's always pretty important to remember.